Whew! This is gonna be that post. Settle in because this is a tough one for me.

Today in my due date. Unfortunately for you, me, and what would have been a perfectly curated baby Instagram I am not pregnant.

On Saturday October 29th, I was a couple of days late. I didn’t think I was pregnant at all. I was on this cleanse style diet and I figured it was messing with me. Matt on the other hand was 100% sure I was pregnant. So while I was at Rite-Aid picking up candy for Halloween (our first in our house and the first time we would be getting trick or treaters) I picked up a couple of test. Guys, I took all three tests in the box to make sure. I remember the test showed the plus sign instantly. I know the box says wait 3 minutes but it was very very clear like 30 seconds in. Now I’m in the bathroom freaking out and crying and feeling so happy and scared at the same time. I called Matt in and told him to look and then he comes out all “Is this real? Does that mean you’re pregnant?” And I’m all like “I think so.” We were crying and hugging and Matt turned to me and said “I’m so happy right now.” And it was true. I wish I could bottle up that moment and take a shot of it on tough days because in that moment nothing could hurt us.

We immediately did a couple of things.

1. Made an appointment to see a OBGYN. I didn’t even have one in Long Island yet so it was harder than usual but luckily we found one and made an appointment for Monday.
2. Made myself a pizza. Diet be damned.
3. Agreed to hold off telling anyone until after we saw the doctor.

That night we were celebrating my brother’s birthday at a bar in New York so I guess the paranoia hit me like I hope no one notices I’m not drinking. It ended up working fine though. I ordered a ginger ale and if anyone asked I told them there was whiskey in it. At one point I left to get some food because the place we were at didn’t have any vegan options but it just so happened to be right next door to a vegan restaurant. My mom came with me so she didn’t have to sit in the bar the whole time. When we came back Matt thought I had told her because he said he would have. So we decided to pull her aside and let her know what was going on so at least we had someone to talk to about it and ask questions and stuff. She was so happy! Here we were standing in the rain outside a bar just being all happy and shit about this baby. It was incredible.

That Monday we went to the appointment and the doctor confirmed we were in fact pregnant. She did an ultrasound and told us we were about 4 weeks along and our due date was July 2. We went through what to expect going forward and made an appointment for a week later. We ended up really hitting gold with this doctor too, she is young and sweet and really put us at ease. She started telling me all these thing that I can’t eat like raw fish and processed meats and I’m just like LOL I’m vegan. She told me to just be careful and make sure I wash all my veggies thoroughly. Since I had already been taking prenatal’s for a couple of months I was already on a good track and diet so she just prescribed me better prenatals. We left feeling on top of the world.

We went to TJ Max after that and bought our first baby thing to celebrate. A pair of baby Timbs. Very New York. Very Bronx. It was perfect. We called Matt’s step dad and let him know the good news. I wanted to tell my dad that day too but we decided to wait because we were worried he would tell my grandmother. And once my grandmother knows everyone knows. We also decided we would wait until the 3 month mark to tell everyone else. But that day we went home and took pictures for the announcement. Matt even insisted on taking picture of my belly! He wanted to do those monthly updated pictures that you put all together and see the progress of being pregnant. We told my father and my siblings the next weekend and swore them to secrecy.

I had downloaded this app that told you what changes to expect each week with pregnancy and compared the size of the baby to the size of some type of food. At this point the baby was the size of a peppercorn. We spent all week saying good morning to our little peppercorn and “good night little pepper corn!” Until the next week when the peppercorn grew to the size of a blueberry. They it was all “how’s my baby blueberry doing today?”

Our doctors appointment came up and we excitedly go in ready to see our baby. See what differences we could spot in this weeks ultrasound. When you go in for these things, your doctor is not in the room. There is an ultrasound tech who takes the pictures and measurements and all of that and then your doctor tell you everything you need to know and answers any of your questions. The first time we had gone in this woman was chatting us up the whole time and congratulating us and stuff. This time she was silent. The whole room felt stale. I was panicking from the moment she started looking into me. Matt asks her if everything is okay and she says the doctor will be in to speak to us. The doctor comes in and moves the images around a bit and try a couple of different things but you could tell that overall things were not going good.

She explained to us that there was something concerning her in the ultrasound. Something she believes would make the pregnancy unviable. Normal pregnancies have an oval sac that houses the baby. I had that but my oval sac had a sort of lump growing in it. Like extra tissue or something that wasn’t supposed to be there. We asked if it could go away on its own and we could still carry the baby to term. Our doctor told us yes that could possibly happen but in all the cases she has treated that has never been the case and the baby has never been carried to term. I remember feeling my whole body go numb. Like I was hearing everything from underwater. We set up an appointment for a week later to do another ultrasound and go from there and Matt and I went home.I cried so hard and so long that day. I even told Matt I wasnt strong enough to deal with this if we lost this baby. I can’t not be pregnant.

That week was the most excruciating week of my life. Matt and I spent the whole time googling everything and anything we could find on this type of situation. Holding on to stories where this one person saw this and the baby survived and look! They’re now 15 and on the basketball team. Or the doctor made a mistake and they went back for a second ultrasound and everything was fine and there was a heartbeat and they lived happily ever after. The worst part of all of this was my pregnancy symptoms were ramping up. Smells were becoming unbearable and I was nauseous all the time. I was also having a very stressful time at work picking up a pretty difficult client. A lot was going on.

We went back the next week, November 16th. The minute the picture came up on the screen I knew that I was not going to have a baby. What was once a lump was now just a bunch of lumps filling that space. A mass of tissue where my baby was supposed to be. They couldn’t find anything that would give us hope that a baby was in there. My doctor came in and looked, another doctor came in and gave his opinion as well. But it was unanimous. I was having a miscarriage and would not be having a baby. I was just beginning my 7th week of pregnancy at this point. My poor little blueberry.

It was decided that I would undergo a D&C, a surgery where they remove the unviable pregnancy and then test the remains for any type of issues in the parents genes. We left with the surgery scheduled for Monday. Matt and I were completely broken.

What’s worse was this was probably the busiest couple of days for us. We were leaving the next day to drive to Boston for a friend’s wedding on Saturday and then Wednesday we were going to Miami for Thanksgiving and then onto Orlando afterwards. To put a surgery in between that just raised all types of stress levels.

The next day, Friday, we’re getting ready nice and early to make the drive to Boston. Our friends wedding was not in Boston but in a suburb about an hour away so a bunch of us decided to go to Boston on friday and do a bit of sight seeing and eating and then go to the wedding the next day. As I was coming out of the shower I get a call. The hospital that is performing my surgery would like me to come in that day at 3pm to run pre-surgery test. They said it would take about an hour to an hour and a half. I was a mess. I called them back and said I can’t be there at 3pm because I had to be in Boston by then. I don’t know if it was because I was literally crying on the phone to the woman or because she knew why I was having surgery. She somehow managed it so that I could get the testing done at around 10 am instead but I would have to hurry and get there as soon as possible to fill out paperwork. I remember falling apart and this point. Thinking everything is going to shit and I have no control and the last thing I wanted to do was be asked a shit ton of questions about my pregnancy.

We did the testing and I had to explain to three different nurses the same thing about my pregnancy and how far along I was and blah blah blah. They took my weight and height and blood. And right before we’re about to leave they asked us if we had any questions and Matt asked if I could drink. For some reason I wasn’t allowed to have herbal tea but they said I could have alcohol as long as I didn’t get dehydrated. Well okay then. We finally left for Boston super late and ended up only really having time for dinner. We didn’t get to do any sightseeing. Also, Matt had to tell his friends why we were going to be late, so knowing that everyone else knew made me feel weird. Like people were waiting for me to explode or something. But my body hadn’t gotten the instructions that I wasn’t supposed to be pregnant anymore so I was still super nauseous and super tired.

At the wedding I got drunk. At one point everyone at my table was passing their champagne flutes to me and I was putting them down one at a time. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t really feel like celebrating but it was the only way I could think of putting a smile on my face. Matt and I took a picture together that night and I hate it so much. I feel like I can see my body giving up on itself. I remember getting ready that night and feeling like nothing was going right. My hair was wrong. My make up was wrong. I didn’t like my dress. I was over it. I’m thankful though that Matt didn’t try to stop me or get very upset with me. He was mourning too and we both didn’t know what to do.

That Monday I went into the hospital at 5 am, checked in and was prepped for surgery. In the bed next to me was maybe the cutest baby I’ve ever seen with his mother, father, and sister. Across from me was a boy, maybe 8 years old. The rest of the room was older people getting prepped as well. Luckily I had both doctors present that day so I really felt I was in good hands. They gave me the anesthetics and my doctor asked me where I wanted to travel to. I told her I really wanted to go to Italy and she agreed. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up again. The nurse came over and told me to take it easy and that she’ll let me rest for a bit before moving me off the bed. Before I was allowed to go home. I immediately asked for my husband and she told me he’ll be in in a minute once I’m a little more rested. At that moment I lost it so bad. I started crying and I felt that shit in my soul. I even made the nurse cry. And she hugged me and told me that she had a daughter my age and that I’m strong. I didn’t feel strong at all. When Matt came in I told him how sorry I was and I meant it.

When we left the hospital Matt stopped off to get me a tea and I spent the rest of the day resting in bed while he worked in the other room. Although physically i wasn’t in so much pain after a while, mentally I was a disaster. I had made the mistake of declining pain meds and a couple days later everything started to hurt. I took off that Tuesday from work and on Wednesday we flew to Florida. The recovery was pretty rough. I was physically tired and drained most of the time, I was bleeding for a little over a week on and off and I still had the nausea. I still felt very pregnant for a couple of weeks after, which made it pretty hard on me. At one point we were on line to get tickets for Universal and I had just used the restroom but I felt myself leaking. Any woman who has ever gotten their period will understand what that means. I reached down and realized that I was bleeding through my pants. I had to go back to the bathroom and I was trying not to make it obvious but my husbands step fathers girlfriend decided to come with me to the bathroom. It was not a good time.

A couple of weeks later my doctor called to let me know that there was nothing genetically wrong with me or my husband. I had what they called a hydropic abortus. I still don’t really understand it so much but its similar to a molar pregnancy where the cells develop too quickly and overtake the embryo. My doctor doesn’t think this should affect our ability to get pregnant in the future.

We haven’t stopped trying or praying for a baby one day but it’s a blow every month when we find out we’re not pregnant. There was one month where we were so positive we were pregnant. The starts were aligning, we were getting signs from God, I was late. Everything added up. But 8 pregnancy tests later, and one phone call with the doctor and I wasn’t pregnant.

I’ve gotten to a point where I am hopeful but I’m done trying as well. My husband on the other hand can tell when I’m ovulating by looking at me at this point. He tells me I have to change my mindset and be more positive.

Remember back in high school when they would tell us to never let ourselves get pregnant and to be careful and take all these precautions? And now I would kill for it.

I’m not sure how to end this post but if you are suffering, or if you’re sad, I’m sorry. I hope you find peace and happiness soon. I hope we both get that happy ending we are praying for.

-Besos xoxo

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