I’m going to preface this post by saying I’m pretty angry today. But the purpose of this post is not about being angry but how we deal with that anger. The bible says to stay angry is foolish. Stay being the operative word here.
When I was younger I was quick to anger. So quick. Over really silly things like someone looking at me funny. I would lose it if someone touched my food. Even if it was an accident. Often I would get so upset that I would black out or getting tunnel vision. I couldn’t control myself and most times it would escalate and get physical. I got myself into a lot of trouble in my teenage years because of my anger issues. There was this one time one of the local police officers offered to let me come to his office at the station and throw plates and things against the wall if it kept me from fighting or getting too angry.
I get angry when I have no control. Over the situation. Over the people around me. Over my safety. Which is ironic because being angry makes me lose control. Over the situation. Over the people around me. Over my safety. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to control my physical reaction to being angry. Not lashing out physically was very hard for me to control but honestly I was just becoming a spectacle. I was the foolish one always getting in trouble for fighting. I was the one people talked about the next day.
My other issue was just being loud and mean. If I were to get angry I was coming at you with everything in my arsenal. If you made me feel like shit you better believe by the time I was done with you, you were going to feel worse. That’s just how I was. There were no limits to me once I got in that head space and there was nothing and no one that could stop me.
Over the years I’ve learned to control my reaction both physical and verbal. But I’ve found that I internalize everything now. For example, if you and I were to get into a heated argument one that I would want to lash out at you for. I’ll walk away. I won’t speak to you. I will cut off all communication. I do this so that 1. I don’t hit anyone and 2. I don’t say anything I can’t take back. Sometimes it works, sometimes the person pushes me to my limit. I’m not perfect. Being and staying angry in one of my biggest flaws. I once argued with my brother so bad we didn’t speak for 7 months. And we were living together!
Now in my adult life my husband and his friends will make jokes about how I’ll beat someone up or protect people. But none of them have actually seen me and my worst. Especially my husband. It’s an ugly side of me and I do my best to keep my anger in control. And it sucks being labeled the angry black woman. Even when the person has never seen me angry.
So today I pray for patience, for understanding and control. I pray to be slow to anger and appear less foolish when I am. I pray for happiness.
What do you do when you get angry?
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