I’ve been struggling lately with feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing in life. Like I am behind the curb and everything is working against me. I have a bad habit of lining up my problems and counting them out. Look here is the reason today is going to be shit. 188.8.131.52…. I do my best to be positive but lately I have been taking a lot of things harder than usual. I’m very emotional. I look to the past and think I should’ve stayed in certain situations or jobs when if I really took a second and remember correctly I wasn’t happy with those situations. Basically, mentally, I’ve been on a rollercoaster. I haven’t been able to plant my feet and thank God for my blessings fully and genuinely. And that really bothers me.
Almost two months ago now I started dedicating myself fully to going to the gym 4-5 times a week. At first it was just about showing up. Just go in here and do something. You see all these reports that working out is good for depression and all these things so I was like ok this is what we’re going to do. We are going to start healing one step at a time. So I started packing a gym bag and leaving it in my car and going straight from work. I tried to leave as little excuses as possible. Just do it. At first I wasn’t even hitting 10,000 steps a day, then I hit that and I was like ok I want to go on the elliptical for 45 mins now. I hit that too. I’m up to an hour on the elliptical now, burning around 600 calories (so says the machine). And some days sure I feel a bit better but other days I’m still down.
So when I came across this verse I started thinking. Could the who be me? Could I be holding myself back from all of my blessings? Abso-fucking-lutely! But what’s more I’ve realized I’m not properly equipped to get out of my own damn way. God is for me every single day but I am fighting this war against myself. other people can’t bring me down anymore. I’ve long ago learned how to manage that aspect of life. But myself? That’s a different story.
Now comes the challenge. Lift myself up, give myself strength and figure it the hell out. If God is for me not even my own self-doubt can be against me. I can blame it on mercury being in retrograde all I want but I need some self-love, some hard work and some optimism in the next coming weeks. For now my plan is to keep going to the gym because for that hour I’m there I don’t worry about my issues. I’m just focused on hitting the goal at hand. I’ll just need to figure out how to do what I do in the gym, at home and at work. The goal is to focus on one task at a time; strip each day down to the basics. And we’ll see how that goes?
Do you ever feel like you are keeping yourself from your blessings?