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March Forward 2021

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Helloooooo readers! You still with me?

It’s a weird thought to wrap my head around but we have now been dealing with Covid here in the states for an entire year! I won’t speak to how its been handled or mishandled but I will say I am writing to you from my year long quarantine and am currently one vaccine shot in. YAY! Also, with the month of March comes the start of my 30th year around the sun. Big things all around!

So what have I learned in the past year?

  1. It does not matter if you set up boundaries for your safety and mental health, there will always be someone to condemn and criticize your choices. : I’ve learned that the best person to make the best decisions for my life is myself. If someone has a problem with that then they have their own issues to sort through that have nothing to do with me. I should move accordingly.
  2. Routines have saved my life.: I went through a real rough patch last year, going into this year, after suffering my third miscarriage in four years (during a pandemic, a storm and power outages in my area and hospital no less!) This time the bounce back was a lot harder. Being in isolation, unable to see family and friends and just escape really made me have to live in my grief for a long time. I can’t even begin to explain my thoughts during those months, but with the help of my husband I found a routine again. I starting working part time (I lost my job during Covid) and I started slowly working out. The return of a routine allowed me to free my mind from the stress of the unknown and keep a sense of normalcy through this experience.
  3. The love and respect I have for my husband goes deeper than even I was fully aware of.: This one was a surprising thing to learn. I love my husband very very very much, that part has never change. However, watching him support me through my depression and grief, handle his own, all while working full time from home (a switch made a year ago because of Covid) and meet the demands of increasing productivity demands while at home has really made me admire him so much more. I really do have an incredibly strong partner by my side and for that I am so lucky.

Now where do we go from here? This question remains over our heads as we all try to navigate this sickness a year in and imagine whatever the world will be once we’re finally freed from it. Honestly, I don’t know the answer to this any more now than I did a year ago. I will leave you with this: look how far we’ve gone when we didn’t know we could, how much farther can we go now that we know we can?

Besos! Xoxo

Hello February 2021

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Hey Ya’ll. If you’re reading this, we’ve made it to February.

*Deep Sigh*

I said last month that my word for this year is try and for the most part I feel like I’ve upheld that, but I think the burnout is on the horizon. So, my goal for February is self-care.

Now when I say self-care I don’t mean paper face masks and nail polish (although we can throw that in there too). What I mean is that I want to get rid of some of my toxic, obsessive habits that make me feel as if I’m doing everything wrong. You know what I mean?

  • Like weighing myself three times a day and only being happy if the numbers reflect what I want them to.
  • Like being mad at myself for not writing on a day when I don’t feel like it.
  • Like forcing myself to take a shift at work when I don’t want to but I feel like I have to.
  • Like talking down on myself and my accomplishments.
  • Like comparing my life to anyone else’s.
  • Like being anything but kind to myself in the middle of a got damn pandemic.

With this, dear reader, whoever you are, wherever you are in the world, I hope you will join me this month in being kind to yourself. Letting the doubts wash over you and if that’s too hard (as I know very well it can be sometimes), recognizing that feeling and coming to terms with why that might be. This month I want to challenge myself to reflect inward and to love myself outwardly in ways I may have been afraid to otherwise.

Here’s what I read in January:

Until next month…..

Xoxo Besos!

Happy New Year 2021

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Hello there!

If you’ve made it this far and are still checking in on my website, I love you more than ending a satisfying trilogy book series. For that I am grateful, and entering into this new year grateful is a pretty good place to start. It doesn’t need to be said but we all know that 2020 was a garage fire of epic proportions and although I also understand that time is a construct and a New Year doesn’t necessarily mean everything starts over; I have hope.

Things I’ve Survived In 2020:

  • My Honors English Class, Thesis and Honors Exam (and received Highest Honors no doubt!)
  • My Third Miscarriage in Four Years (during a storm that knocked out the power in the hospital)
  • A Whole Damn Pandemic (so far)

So there is no shortage of hope as we ring in this new year and try to keep in together again for another year. Apart from hope, there is one word that comes to mind for me as I step into 2021. That word is try.

Do you remember the iconic movie of 2006: The Devil Wears Prada?

Yes? Bueno.

In the movie after a particularly stressful night of not living up to Miranda’s (Meryl Streep) expectations, Andy (Anne Hathaway) stops to blow off some steam in Nigel’s (Stanley Tucci) office/studio. 

Andrea:
She hates me, Nigel.
Nigel:
And that's my problem because... Oh, wait. 
No, it's not my problem.
Andrea:
I don't know what else I can do because if I do something right, it's unacknowledged. 
She doesn't even say thank you. 
But if I do something wrong, she is vicious.
Nigel:
So quit.
Andrea:
What?
Nigel:
Quit.
Andrea:
Quit?
Nigel:
I can get another girl to take your job in five minutes... one who really wants it.
Andrea:
No, I don't want to quit. That's not fair. 
But, I, you know, I'm just saying that I would just like a little credit... for the fact that 
I'm killing myself trying.
Nigel:
Andy, be serious. You are not trying. You are whining. What is it that you want me to say to you, huh? 
Do you want me to say, "Poor you. Miranda's picking on you. Poor you. Poor Andy"? Hmm? 
Wake up, six. She's just doing her job. 
Don't you know that you are working at the place that published some of 
the greatest artists of the century? Halston, Lagerfeld, de la Renta. 
And what they did, what they created was greater than art because you live your life in it. 
Well, not you, obviously, but some people. You think this is just a magazine, hmm? 
This is not just a magazine. This is a shining beacon of hope for... oh, I don't know... 
let's say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers 
pretending to go to soccer practice when he was really going to sewing class and 
reading Runway under the covers at night with a flashlight. 
You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls. 
And what's worse, you don't care. 
Because this place, where so many people would die to work you only deign to work. 
And you want to know why she doesn't kiss you on the forehead and 
give you a gold star on your homework at the end of the day. 
Wake up, sweetheart.

I feel like this is a good way to think of how I’ve survived through 2020. A bit of sporadic hard work and a whole lot of whining and distancing myself from reality. So for 2021 I want to commit to trying. Trying to work consistently and aggressively towards my goals, my dreams, my relationships. Trying to be active in my life and the lives of the people I care about. 2021 is not just about showing up it’s about doing the hard work and trying.

So for this New Year I wish upon all of you who are reading this and all the souls you touch and the souls they touch, a fruitful, glorious, and inspiring year. I wish for you all the love and happiness in the world spread across these next 365 days. I hope that you give 2021 a try and let the powers of time (constructed or otherwise) to shower you in it’s gifts.

I wish good health to all of you. Please don’t forget your masks, social distance, and stay home when you can. Let us live long enough to see the end of this damned pandemic, and party safely.

I love you all.

Happy New Year!

Xoxo Besos.

New Orleans – January 2020

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For our first trip of the year 2020 Matt and I decided to go to New Orleans! It’s a trip I’ve wanted to do for awhile now and it sort of all fell into place for us. If you’ve never been to New Orleans it’s a beautiful city with colorful houses, live jazz music and a history of hauntings and ghosts. All around we were looking for a relaxing vacation with just enough activity and movement to justify not just staying home. Also we couldn’t afford some lavish beach getaway so it was nice to switch it up. It ended up being a lot of fun and we had a great time. Soooo let’s talk about it, yeah?

Where Did We Stay?

January in New Orleans is the start of Mardi Gras season so hotels book up quickly. In anticipation for this we researched both hotels and Airbnb’s to see what was available and to be honest for the price of a hotel room you can rent an entire house on Airbnb. Our challenge was we didn’t want an entire house because it was just us and we wanted something close to the main streets. Mainly either Frenchman St or Bourbon St. Although we did hear from a couple of different people that you don’t actually want to stay near Bourbon street because at night people go a bit haywire. We settled on an Airbnb a couple of blocks from Frenchman St.

Our Airbnb was a two family house that was previously destroyed in Hurricane Katrina and participated in the “Before I Die” series before being restored and turned into a rental. Most homes in New Orleans are shotgun style, meaning each room goes into the next and you walk straight through the house. This place wasn’t necessarily the traditional shotgun style in the sense that each room flows into the next but it definitely flowed through in one long straight line. Our apartment was on the right and there was another group staying on the left hand of the apartment. There was a keypad to get into the apartment and the owners were super easy to communicate with and made us feel at ease the whole time.

What was great about having an Airbnb instead of a hotel room is that we had so much more space. We had two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, living room and even laundry units. This worked great for us because there was a grocery store a couple of blocks away so we were able to buy food (mainly for breakfast) and drinks to keep in the house. Breakfast is always the hardest meal when we’re on vacation because I wake up early no matter what (I literally haven’t set an alarm in over 6 months I just automatically wake up at 6am …send help!) and I’m vegan and Matt is not so unless we go to an all vegan restaurant, brunch is very limited for me. This way, I was able to get up, do a quick workout, read a bit and have a cup of tea before eating breakfast. Usually by the time I was getting ready to eat breakfast Matt was slowly crawling out of bed. This Airbnb gave us that relaxation we really crave on vacation in that way. We spent our mornings slowly waking up, eating breakfast and binge watching Netflix until it was time to go out or we were ready to start our day. Also, Matt is a napper and I am not so when we stay at hotels, if he wants to nap I really have no place to go but sit there on the bed with him while he sleeps and listen to him snore. With the Airbnb he could nap and I could read peacefully.

When we flew in, a huge thunderstorm had just hit the city which led to a slightly bumpy landing and hot water issues at the apartment. As in there was none. Thankfully we had a great Airbnb host who had someone over in 5 minutes to fix the issue. After that we didn’t have any issues other than our very drunk neighbors who kept locking themselves out but that didn’t bother us much.

What Did We Eat?

In reviewing our trip I realized we didn’t really eat out as much as we would normally. We had breakfast at the Airbnb – I cooked a big batch of tofu scramble and vegan chorizo and ate that the whole trip, Matt had eggs one day and bagels and cream cheese the rest of the time. We had also picked up some coconut yogurts, a bag of cherries, chips and salsa, beer, ice tea, seltzer, coconut creamer for my tea, and Matt bought himself a whole pack of sugar cookies (treat yo self!). Eating out as a Vegan in New Orleans was definitely difficult but not impossible. Matt and I are creatures of habit though and once we find a place we like we tend to stick with it. Vacations are no different.

When we arrived in New Orleans I was soo hungry but Matt wasn’t at all. He had a huge sandwich from the airport but I had a pretty sad stale salad (slim pickings early morning at the airport but also always trust your gut and get an uncrustables). So once we got settled our plan was pretty simple (we got there pretty early and we gained an hour coming in from NY) we were going to relax a bit and watch some Netflix, Matt would take a nap and then we would shower and explore. But first! Food! We were very close to the French Market a beautiful marketplace that sells all the souvenirs you could image, tons of yummy food and drinks (more on this later). So a quick look on UberEats and I found Meals From the Heart Cafe, a whole foods cafe located in the French Market with plenty of vegan options. First thing I ordered was their vegan crab cakes with avocado, and their pancakes that came with fresh fruit, butter, and syrup. It was exactly what I needed after being up at 4 am and being on a plane for 3 hours. This place is such a gem and the food is so incredible! I ended up going back to them, in person this time, and ordering their vegan crab cakes again and their beyond tacos (which were huge!). Matt and I ended up splitting the tacos even though he “wasn’t hungry” (not a crumb was left uneaten). 10/10 would recommend this place. Friendly service, and delicious, affordable food, what more could you ask for?

Ok I’m not going to lie to you but this was the only place I was excited to go to in New Orleans! Dat Dog is a hot dog bar with a set menu and a build your own dog option both have plenty of vegan options. Located on Frenchman street this restaurant was less than a ten minute walk from our Airbnb and it was the first place we went out to eat. What’s great about this place, apart from the amazing food, drinks and quick service; there are bars all up and down the street so right after you finish eating you can pop on in to a bar and listen to some live Jazz. Also they serve tater tots and that’s all you really need to know. I got the vegan banger (every time) and it was delicious (every time) and also they have a blackberry mule drink that is amazing and I highly recommend it. We ended up eating here three times in total while we were in New Orleans. I told you… creatures of habit. 12/10 I wish we had one of these back home.

I mean, obviously we had to stop at Cafe Du Monde. There are no vegan options at all here and other than beignets and coffee they serve juice and soda. They have no plant based milk for the coffee. I don’t even drink coffee but being that I didn’t want to sit and watch Matt eat fluffy doughnuts without me, I ordered a black coffee. Matt said the beignets were amazing! (surprise!) and (actual surprise) the coffee was delicious. I didn’t get sick or get a headache or anything from it either which happens sometimes when i accidently drink coffee at home. There was a long line when we got here but the wait was maybe 5 minutes so tip your servers because they are for real hustling. 10/10 classic experience and worth the trip. Also, bonus, they had one in the airport if you need a treat to go.

Ok this may not count as a proper meal but on our way down Bourbon street we made a pit stop at a bar that had two for one beers and got an order of fried pickles and waffle fries. I don’t remember the name of the bar (or much of the rest of that day ) but it was a solid snack and they had a nice back patio we got to sit and watch the madness from. They had an upstair balcony as well, for throwing beads but we didn’t go up there. 8/10 great vibes and cool space but no actual vegan options on the menu.

Full disclosure I did not enjoy this meal at all. Matt will always suggest sushi for dinner. It doesn’t matter where we are, he will always suggest it. So it was no surprise when he suggested going to a sushi restaurant called Wasabi. The draw was that the restaurant was super close to where we were staying and not crazy expensive. I forgot to take a picture of the rolls we got but they had all the basics and some speciality rolls. I got an avocado roll and a fried tofu dish but I wasn’t a fan. Also the place was dead empty which should’ve been our first sign but we made the best of it and then went out for drinks. It wasn’t the worst ever but I wish the ingredients were a bit fresher. 6/10 I would probably not go back here.

Honorable mention to Willies, a take out chicken spot that Matt ate from one night. He said it was really good, the food looked fresh and they were quick and inexpensive. This was on a night where we just brought food back to the Airbnb so it hit all the right spots for Matt. 9/10 would definitely suggests if you’re a meat eater. It was fresh, quick and pretty inexpensive so worth the try but not the best of the best that NOLA has to offer.

What Did We Do?

I mean… other than drink? Not much. We had two main excursions planned before we stepped on the plane. Apart from that we just wanted to walk around and see the sights and play the trip by ear. Which, surprisingly worked very well for us.

One of my favorite stops was definitely the French Market. This place is half souvenir stand, half food plaza. You can walk around here for hours and find something new each time. The best part is that its in between Frenchman street and Jackson Square so you can walk around in the French Market and head to any of the hot spots in the city from there.

Another thing we committed to was an evening boat tour with dinner. I forgot to take a picture of the food but it was pretty much buffet style with pasta, some potato side dish, a couple of meat options, a salad and some desserts. The tour takes you up and down the river but because it was January it was really too cold to stay out on the deck and watch the sights. There was a live jazz band on the boat and plenty of drinks and they let you walk around and take a look inside the engine room which was pretty cool. It was definitely a relaxing experience. If it were warm out I’m pretty sure it would’ve been even better because we could have sat out on the deck with our drinks, listening to the jazz band, and watching the sights. I would definitely do this again but probably without dinner. You don’t need to buy dinner to go on the cruise you can just buy drinks at the bar which is a pretty solid option.

One of our favorite experiences while in New Orleans was the swap tour. Its about two hours long and our tour guide was really funny and informative the entire time. Again being that it was January it was pretty cold on the water and it was off season so none of the alligators actually show up and they apparently don’t even eat during this time of year. However we did see baby alligators sunbathing, birds, turtles, hogs, raccoons and even dogs on the porch of the house boats. It ended up being the best the weather had been the entire trip so we really got lucky. I would do this again but honestly I was pretty relieved that we didn’t get a front row seat to an alligator brunch.

And when all else failed? We walked. Everywhere! From Frenchman to Bourbon and back. There is so much to see and a ton of local Jazz bars and dives that it’s hard to be bored or not find anything to do. It helped that is was the same weekend that LSU won the championship so there was a lot of team pride around. The energy of the city is infectious and it’s hard not to get caught up in the excitement.

Overall, we loved New Orleans and we can’t wait to go back again.

Until next time…

Besos! XO

Virginia – January 2020

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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

– Lao Tzu

Happy New Year!

If you’re reading this we’ve made it to another year of trying to write more, lose the same ten pounds and drink water that’s not entirely from melted ice in our margaritas. Good luck and God speed!

If you make New Year’s resolutions then I hope you’re better at sticking to them then I am. But ever the optimist I made some this year for the hope that they keep me grounded and motivated. I did try to stay away from superficial resolutions and stick to things I thought would make me a better person or just make me happier all around. My goal for 2020 is just happiness.

And so I decided to take a trip the first weekend of the new year to visit my best friend Rebecca in Virginia. I enjoy solo trips because, unlike my husband, I like long drives. It takes about 5 hours door to door to get to Rebecca’s apartment in Sterling. That’s 5 hours of not having to talk to anyone, listening to whatever music you want, and just letting your mind wander. I really enjoy that part of the trip. The only thing that sucks is my small bladder and the need to stop at least twice just to pee. But some things can’t be helped.

I left for Virginia at around 11:30 am on Saturday Jan 4th. Matt and I spent the entire night before binge watching Power so I was running on very little sleep. Which probably wasn’t the best idea but I was too excited for it to really effect me. The one thing that did kind of dampen my spirits was the fog .

Regardless though the drive wasn’t bad at all and I only stopped twice. I got to Beccy’s apartment at around 5. The last time I visited she had just moved in and was still buying furniture so it was pretty bare. But this time her apartment was like a Pintrest dream!

First things first, we hugged and poured ourselves a drink and decided to get ready slowly and go to dinner. This is always my favorite part of seeing someone after a long time. You’re just so excited to see each other and there are a million things you want to tell each other and you’re jumping in and out of stories. Once the Christmas gifts were swapped, make up on and outfits changed we headed out.

For dinner we put our name down for True Food Kitchen, an organic, whole food restaurant. This place is a chain but the one by me is not opening until sometime this year so when I visit we like to go here. The hostess gave us an hour estimate for the table so we gave our names and I suggested we find a bar somewhere to grab a drink (True Food’s bar was full). We headed down the block and found two seats at the bar at BarTaco. Honestly, both places have pretty solid vegan options but we were both looking forward to True Food so we settled in at BarTaco and got a drink while we caught up on all things 2019 did to us. I forgot to take a picture of the drinks we got but they were super yummy. Beccy got a Mojito and I got a drink called the reviver but I asked them to swap the gin with tequila and just WOW!

Once we finished our drinks we headed back to True Food and our table was ready when we walked in the door. I love great timing!

I got this amazing noodle bowl with tofu and I wish I got four and took three home with me, it was so good! Beccy got a chicken pizza and our drinks were also made from organic whole materials and I don’t really remember what I got but I believe it was a vodka drink with pomegranate. It was pretty good. Light, refreshing and had actual pomegranate in it but I would’ve rather paired this meal with a nice deep red wine in hind sight. But I’ll save that thought for next time.

So after dinner it was off to find a good time. The last time I came to visit we had said we were definitely going out dancing somewhere but we ended up spending so much time on Yelp looking for places that I fell asleep on the floor of her living room. Tonight was redemption night! I didn’t care if we went to some place specifically for dancing but I told Beccy we should just find a bar with some type of music. She explained that there was a bar she goes to sometimes after going to concerts at the University nearby. Perfect! Lets get crazy!

What we didn’t know is that it was karaoke night and we had walked in right when it was getting started. So this place was like a legit college bar. Everyone in there was either questionably 21 or wayyyy too old to be here. Somehow Beccy and I fit right between those two groups. We found a table by the stage and grabbed some drinks. I stuck with red bull and vodkas. 1 because I was starting to crash and 2 because this wasn’t the type of bar that made more than rum and cokes. The karaoke was hilarious and ended up being the perfect thing for us to just let our hair down to. We also kept getting hit on by these college students who would admit to us that they are underage. (Like does this strategy work for them?) Also one delinquent (another 20 year old) introduces himself to me as Matt to which Beccy screams “That’s her husbands name!” and we both died laughing. Apart from the boy and all the young girls who kept coming up to us and telling us we were pretty (thank you drunk goddesses) we did end up dancing to off key karaoke and having a good time. Our plan was to have one more drink at a bar down the block from Beccy’s place but there was construction or something on the highway on the way home so we didn’t make it before they closed. We ended up heading back to the apartment and having a hard seltzer while eating leftovers and dancing to youtube videos. All in all a successful night.

I passed out on the couch somewhere around 3 am and Beccy (who was driving and a bit sick, so was not as drunk as I was) she took a shower and went to bed. Like the Queen she is! Beccy and I have been friends since we were 10 so in the past 18 year (2020 is our 19th year of friendship #goals) I’ve learned a lot about her. Specifically I know for a fact that Rebecca can sleep until 3 pm if you let her. It’s a talent she has that I have always been envious of. My internal clock will not let me sleep past 6 on most days regardless of how tired I am. Sunday was no exception. I woke up around 6:30 am and Surprise! Suprise! I wasn’t feeling amazing, Luckily no headache though just a bit of nausea. So I got up used the restroom, filled up my 24 oz travel cup with ice water and laid back down on the couch. I spent a couple of hours just drinking water and reading until I felt a bit better. Matt called me at around 8 am and I was still a bit of a sleepy hungover mess. Once I did feel a bit better I hopped in the shower, got dressed and poured myself some more water.

At this point it was about 9 am and Beccy hadn’t so much as rolled over. So I had time. I was getting hungry but I didn’t want to overload my stomach so I had some hummus and pretzel crackers that I bought at a rest stop on the drive over and didn’t get a chance to eat. But honestly once I had that in my system I felt so much better. I was clean, feed and hydrated. So I cuddled up on the couch, grabbed my book and enjoyed the silence. At home I never set my alarm clock because the dogs will bark at me any time between 5-6 to wake up. So I enjoyed the quiet time to just read by myself. Matt face timed me again around 11 and Beccy crawled out of bed shortly after.

Once Beccy was up and dressed we made our plan for the day. First stop food! We found a ramen spot which was perfect because they had a vegan ramen and Beccy was feeling sicker today. I got a tofu appetizer and a vegan ramen with fried mushrooms (amazing!), corn, seaweed, and bamboo. It was perfect and I didn’t finish it so I got to take some home for later.

Our next stop was to a home goods warehouse store called At Home which is apparently in Jersey as well but I’ve never been there. Needless to say, Beccy and I have no business going to home goods stores because we just obsess over everything and cry into our empty wallets. I did end up getting quite a bit of stuff but all things that I already needed. We were very conscious of not buying random things because they’re cute. Which was very very very hard.

I ended up getting a set of marble coasters with gold A’s. A set of gold and white kitchen towels. a couple of white bowls a bit smaller than a soup bowl. A couple of oils dispensers. Potpourri. Storage bins. And a giant wicker basket. I didn’t get a dinosaur skeleton head statue that I really wanted to get for Matt’s office or this fake giant potted tree. So I think I did pretty well.

In the spirit of just having a nice relaxing day date together we stopped by a local coffee shop and got a couple of chai’s to take back to the apartment while we relax a bit before dinner and a movie later. Beccy was drawing pictures in her foam because she wanted it to look cute but she wasn’t satisfied with her first design so she redid it. All to put a top on it anyway. Friends are weird but I would still recommend them.

Once we got back to the apartment, Beccy went to work setting up all the things she bought from At Home and I laid back down on the couch to keep reading. This is weird to write but I loved having no housework to do and not having to worry about any of that while she finished up. The rest of the afternoon was spent laid out and just moving slowly through the apartment and tons and tons of girl talk. It was the perfect day.

We had tickets to a 6:45 movie so at around 5 we got our coats and shoes on and headed out to dinner. We had dinner at Cafesano a quick casual Mediterranean restaurant that we both adore. You walk up to the counter and place your order and they give you a number to put on the table so they can find you and bring your food over. They also serve beer and wine. I was so hungry I forgot to take a picture (sorrynotsorry). But I got a prosecco and a platter with grilled veggies, falafel, brown rice, and pita bread. Beccy got a chicken and broccoli Alfredo and a glass of white wine. Cheers! To an amazing new year.

After dinner we went to the local AMC and watched Jumaji. I had already seen it but Beccy didn’t so I wasn’t mad at myself when I fell asleep part way through but don’t worry Beccy woke me up once Nick Jonas showed up on screen. All in all a great night. We got back to the apartment and I introduced Beccy to The Circle on Netflix. I fell asleep after the first episode but apparently she watched three of them before calling it a night.

The next morning I was up early as usual and got myself out of bed (aka the pull out couch), showered and dressed so I could start the 5 hour drive home. I Ubereat’s some Starbucks so Beccy would have something warm to drink when she woke up and she ended up waking up just as I was closing the front door. Good thing too because she woke up worse than ever and had called out of work sick. I gave her a big bear hug and instructed her to stay in bed for the rest of the day and I was on my way back home.

The weather was a lot better than it was coming so I had a great relaxing 5 hour drive back home. I was excited to get home and get my new purchases in the house but also just to be with my puppies and my husband.

I’m so glad I started the year with a solo trip. I think it was necessary for me to get my thoughts together and to prepare myself for what is sure to be a busy year ahead. I’m finishing my bachelor’s degree this year and I can’t wait to finally have something to show for all these long hours and hard work.

Until next time…

-Besos! XO.

Am I Really Doing This?

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So today is different.

Today I am working my last day on a job that I never liked very much on an island I still have not found my sea legs for.

I had planned this post as a farewell to an ugly chapter in my work experience but unfortunately it got uglier before that could happen. I left my job a day earlier than expected because shit happens and people can be horrible sometimes.

It’s been a rough year and a half here but it was necessary in order to keep moving forward.

Let me explain:

I took this job as a way to be closer to home in the event that Matt and I got pregnant and, this was a way to be able to attend night classes at Queens College. All of this leads me to the next big starring role of my life. Quitting my job and going back to school full time. This is incredibly scary for me. Not even gonna lie. This will be the first time in almost ten years that I won’t have a full time job.

When I first dropped out of school in 2010, I went straight to work. Full time work has been my backbone, my sanctuary and my source of pride (and income) for such a long time. Giving this up, willingly, has been a source of many anxious nightmares the past couple of months. Being the recipient of a generous scholarship for the upcoming scholastic year I had the option of going full steam ahead, quitting my job, and going to school full time and completing my English is degree. OR taking a couple of night classes like I have been doing (just for free this time) and continuing the slow move towards a 10 year bachelors degree. (Yes babe I’m exaggerating).

You would think this was an easy decision… but its not. Shit has been hard AF.

So here we are again at another crossroads with me changing up my entire life. I feel like every couple of years I do this. Change up everything around me and start over from the bottom. Mainly because I don’t think I’ve been feeding my passions in a way that keeps them alive and healthy. I thought moving to Long Island would end all my creative instincts but the opposite happened. They’ve become louder! Begging for attention and whining for quality time.

So I’m going to write. And I’m going to act. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to feed my soul. And I’m going to do my best to not to feel guilty about doing this because holy shit! you could be making 6 figures as an accountant! What are you doing?!

My ten year high school reunion is next month. I haven’t really decided if I’m going to go because “I’m unemployed and following my dReAmS” doesn’t seem like the glow up I wanted to have at this point. But! BIG BUT! Looking back on this ten years I’ve come to the realization that I could have fucked this whole thing up so much more. And for that I’m proud. This next journey is going to be interesting to say the least but I think I’m pretty lucky.

Until then Matt and I are taking some much needed time off and traveling a bit so be on the look out for those posts! Either way, there are still a couple of things up in the air at this point so I won’t share all my plans but if you do wander onto the Queens College campus, bring food, because ya girl is always hungry!

Thanks for sticking with me. I hope I don’t disappoint you.

-Besos! XO

Where Have I Been All This Time?

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Hey there! Hows it going? How have you been?

Awesome!

Where have I been?

Well where do I start?

First I had school.

This past semester was my first one as an English major and let me tell you! I was definitely put to the test. I had class Monday and Wednesday nights, for 3 hours, after a full work day. I was reading and writing in bed, in my car, on the way to family events, and so on and so on and so on. But I loved it! I didn’t miss a class, and I made sure I was up to date on all the readings. I was actually excited to go to class every night. Even if it meant not eating dinner some nights or going to bed super late other nights. I haven’t gotten my grades back yet but I’m pretty confident I did well. My Creative Writing Professor even asked me to take his poetry workshop class next semester! Ladies and Gentlemen, I am on my way! Given I still have like 13 classes I need to graduate but I’m on my way… slowly, but surely. 

Secondly, I had an epiphany.

It started with a pizza run. In Long Island the Vegan pizza game is pretty limited. So one night we’re leaving the movies in Levittown. If you don’t know me and Matt by now, we go to the movies every weekend and we switch between theaters by our house because sometimes the one close to us doesn’t have every movie. Levittown is about 30 minutes away and is the only theater that has a bar and dine-in option. Unfortunately not many vegan options but we make it work. So, we’re leaving the movies and Matt suggest we go to That Pizza Place, or heaven on earth as I call it. A pizza place with both vegan and non-vegan options about 5 minutes from the movies and it closed in about an hour so we had just enough time. We grab some slices to go and on the way out I see a new awning had gone up on a store front right by the pizza shop. The Actors Workshop of LI. When I saw it a thought immediately entered my mind that it’s either now or never. Throughout the years I have looked into taking acting classes but I always had an excuse or a reason against it. This time, with the support of my husband, I decided to give it a try. I went in for a free trial class and right after paid for 6 more classes. I’ve already had an audition with an agent (set up through the workshop) and even though I didn’t get the call back i feel like I’m learning so much! I have two more classes left and then I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’m so happy getting to express myself creatively again. One of my biggest hang ups about moving to Long Island was not being able to be creative the way I was in the city. I feel like I’m starting to figure it out now though. 

Thirdly, life happens.

When I started this blog I was so sure I would be posting all day every day but you know shit happens. I’ll do my best and I hope you’ll still follow along for the ride. 

-Besos!


1 Year Vegan!

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Today is an amazing day! Today I celebrate my first year as a vegan! It’s been incredible and confusing and I’ve learned a bunch along the way.

Why I went Vegan.

I went vegan for so many reasons. If you asked my husband, I saw a documentary on Netflix while he was gone for the weekend and by the time he came back I was a full-fledged Vegan. Not so simple but sure. It started out, very much, as a health decision. I wanted to cut back on meat, specifically red meat, and I wanted to incorporate more veggies into my diet. Especially since I have pretty bad asthma and the healthier I am the less at risk I am for having attacks. I also had this idea that eating vegan meant I would lose a shit load of weight. It’s progressed, since then, to so much more than health. I am very conscious and aware of the animal abuse, the environmental influence, and the wastefulness that comes with not being vegan. I mean, growing up I always had the idea in my mind that “damn I’m eating a cow right now and that’s pretty fucked up.” And any Dominican has been to a cook out where the whole pig is just chilling on the table, all roasted up, and you have that split second thought like “wow this is not right.” But I always kept eating meat because everyone does it so why should it be a problem?

How I went Vegan.

I celebrate today as being Vegan because today was when I made the conscious decision to go fully into this commitment. However, I didn’t do it cold turkey. Actually, when I went Vegan I kept the attitude that if it doesn’t work out its fine I’ll just go back to eating meat. We’ll see how it goes. I honestly didn’t think I would make it to one year. My new years resolution for the year was to stop eating red meat. By the time July started I was already not eating red meat, pork, and was very rarely eating chicken and turkey. This weekend last year, Matt was away in Atlantic City and anyone who is married to a man knows that this meant I finally got the remote control to myself! This was around the time What The Health was all over the place so I decided to watch that. Then I started watching a bunch of other documentaries. And not just on veganism but on the effects of drinking and smoking on your body, what eating more vegetables can do to your body, the meat industry, the prescription drug industry and so on and so on. By the time Matt got home I was so motivated to just live a healthier life and I knew I wanted to start by going vegan.

Pitfalls of my journey to Veganism. 

Not eating meat is not hard. It really isn’t. You just don’t do it. Being vegan is so much more than just not eating meat though because it’s not consuming or using any animal products. Things that you don’t even think about are not vegan and the random stuff that has milk in it is pretty insane. I remember I bought a big ol’ bag of dark chocolate covered almonds thinking they were safe. Then one day I actually looked at the ingredients and of course it contains milk. Another time I was buying the Morning Star mock meat products. Totally safe right? Wrong! I realized they contain milk and eggs. This happens pretty often actually. I’ve gotten a lot better at being able to spot things that I cannot have and reading the ingredients carefully. So has my husband. Some times people get my order wrong and I have to send it back which really sucks. I try to be as flexible as I can but sometimes it’s out of my hands. Like the other day we went to get bagels and I ordered a whole wheat everything with tofutti (tofu cream cheese, it’s delicious you should try it!) onions and tomatoes and Matt ordered an egg everything with cream cheese. They accidentally mixed up the bagels! Now, if it was any other bagel I would have eaten it but the egg bagel is just not an option. So, I sent it back and I felt bad even though it wasn’t my fault. Another time I ordered veggie dumplings and they sent me pork ones and I took a bite not knowing. I spit it out and kept it moving. I’ve learned to ask for no cheese even if the dish doesn’t say it has cheese. I’ve found that 90% of foods have cheese in it at most restaurants. For. No. Reason. I don’t know why but I’m telling you we put cheese on everything! It’s insane! There are times when me and my husband will be eating out and I’ll get something and he’ll go be all like wow I can’t believe you made a meal out of all of that. Nice! And then there are other times when we just sit there laughing at whatever is put in front of me. Like one time I ordered avocado toast without the egg. I got literally two slices of bread and a whole avocado cut down the middle. They didn’t even mash it! No salt or pepper, or anything! I was like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! I mashed that baby up, put some salt and pepper, some tomato and onion slices and ordered a side of potatoes. I actually got a compliment on how healthy I was eating that day from some random woman in the restaurant! Not everything is in your control but where there is a will, there’s a way and I don’t mind making a meal out of sides if I need to.img_0572.jpg

Hardest part about being Vegan.

When I first decided to go Vegan I thought the hardest part would be finding something to eat when I wasn’t at home. I mean I went vegan in July and in August I took a trip to Cuba. It wasn’t like I could pop into a Cuban supermarket and pick up a Beast Burger or something. Honestly, it has never been an issue.

What I do struggle with is the social aspect of being a vegan. I live with my husband and my two dogs. My dogs have currently been switch to vegan kibble. They still eat cheese and bones and things like that but their main food is vegan. The kibble they eat helps because they have pretty sensitive stomachs and their poop is amazing on the vegan kibble (sorry TMI but dog parents understand the struggle.) My husband eats meat and so does almost everyone else in my life. I am also a people pleaser, I love to host, and I want everyone to leave my house happy. When we have a big party I struggle with the fact that in order to serve my guests I have to include meat and other non-vegan options. When I cook dinner for my husband sometimes he wants a steak. So how can I protect my morals and my decision and still host and serve the people I love without shoving my own beliefs down their throats and/or making them uncomfortable? I don’t really have an answer to this. It’s something I am still working through and figuring out on my end. I’ve made this choice in my life and that doesn’t mean everyone else has to follow suit. Also I may change my mind one day but how do I live now? My opinion on veganism in generally is that I will always be a work in progress. And that’s okay. Don’t let the twitter and Instagram thugs convince you that you’re not doing enough or that you’re doing something wrong.

Misconceptions about being Vegan.

I had this idea that being vegan meant being the healthiest person ever. That I would be immune from junk food due to lack of options. I was so wrong. Between the vegan burgers, vegan chicken wings, and vegan pizza the options for vegan junk food are endless. Meaning gaining weight as a vegan is not hard at all. Also there’s pasta. No waistline has ever survived the undeniable pull of pasta. I’ve learned that you can be a vegan in many different ways. You can be a junk food vegan, a raw vegan, a whole foods vegan, a social vegan. Shit you can be a meatless Monday, once a week vegan. There are so many more options to being vegan now than there was 15, 20 years ago. Being vegan has never been so easy. Like all other eating habits, being vegan means there needs to be moderation. There are delicious deserts and plenty of fattening food. My biggest misconception was that being vegan meant everything I am eating is super healthy. That’s not always true.

My favorite part about being Vegan.

My favorite part about being vegan, aside from the fact that I don’t have to kill any animals and it’s better for the environment, is that I am trying all these new foods and flavors. I had never heard of jackfruit before and once I became vegan I found out how crazy flexible this one fruit is. I’ve learned so many different ways to cook and eat tofu I could probably write a book. Then there is the excitement of finding a vegan version of one of your old favorite foods. Eating vegan is an adventure!

Goals going into my second year of Veganism.

I spent all of this past year focusing solely on eating vegan but veganism has so much more to do with your lifestyle than just eating. It’s the clothes, make-up, and everyday supplies that have random animal products in them too. My goal for this next year is to continue to educate myself on using vegan products. I also want to look into living a more eco-friendly, waste free lifestyle. I’ve been reading a lot about it lately and even with this new movement to go strawless I’ve been really interested in exploring that lifestyle.

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One year down and who knows how long to go. I’ve definitely had some missteps in my journey but I am truly dedicated to being vegan. For now that’s all I need.

Have you ever considered going vegan?

-Besos! xoxo

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The story behind my tattoos

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It’s no secret that I’ve gotten a tattoo .. or ten. So today I’ll break down my tattoos for all those inquiring minds. Really I’m doing this so that next time someone is like “oh wow! Nice tattoo! Why did you do that?” I can be all “link in bio”. Just kidding!

My views on tattoos are pretty simple: to each their own. You may like tattoos on other people but could never imagine them on yourself. Dope! You may love tattoos and get them everywhere on your body. Nice! You may just want a little bumble bee on your wrist to remind you of someone special. Sweet! You may get your girlfriends name on your arm just to have to cover it up when you break up. Sorry? Either way your views don’t effect my views.

Almost everyone in my family has at least one tattoo. My husband and my underage sisters are the closest people to me that don’t have any. I feel like soon though my husband will be on that island alone. I have ten. All gotten between the span of about 9 years.img_0550

1. Familia

This was my first tattoo and like so many people before me I got it in my parents basement by my cousin. Said cousin went to a world renowned art school and was a couple years into this whole tattoo business at this time. My brother got the tattoo first, on his wrist. The idea being that all of the cousins would get the same tattoo and it would be a sort of bond. I was here for it. I love the idea of us sharing something so intimate and always having a piece of each other. None of my cousins ended up getting it but now its means so much more to me. Being that it was my first tattoo I decided I didn’t want it on my wrist like my brother. I wanted to be able to hide it if i needed to. Also I was, I think, 18 or 19 at the time and I was super worried that I wouldn’t be able to get a job with a tattoo (HA!). I settled on getting the tattoo on my back, right in the middle, because my family is in my spine, they hold me up and keep me strong. What I didn’t know then was that my cousin was a very heavy handed tattoo artist. I would say out of all of my tattoos this one hurt the most. The shading alone killed me! If you’ve gotten a tattoo before you’ll know the artist usually draws up a sample so you can see what you’re going to get and approve. With words its usually typed up on a computer in the font you picked and in various sizes so you can put it against the spot you want and decide what works best. I specifically remember there being three sizes; small, medium and large. I wanted the medium one, I thought it was huge and it would go by quicker than the large size. My cousin fought me tooth and nail about this! He went on to tell me that since it will be my only tattoo I might as well go big or go home. So we went with the large. Looking back I know that it was a good choice but I still giggle at the thought that he truly believed I would stop at just one tattoo. To date this is the only tattoo in the back of my body and I don’t really have any plans to get anymore done on my back. But who knows?!

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2. Monster

You ever see that Mary-Kate and Ashley movie Billboard Dad?  In the movie the Dad calls them Munchkin and Monster and I sort of adopted those nicknames and used them for my sisters. Amanda calls me Billboard in return. It’s cute, ok?! This was always supposed to be a set but I was still so scarred for life  nervous about getting another tattoo so I did this one first. It’s shorter..

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3. Munchkin

See #2. Also I always wanted these on my wrist for two reasons:

  1. I wasn’t so worried about my tattoo’s being seen at this point.
  2. I wanted to be able to see these names when I prayed and know who I was working my ass off for every single day.

My only regret with both 2 and 3 is not getting them bigger. Now they have faded a bit and the words are blending. I’m thinking of getting them redone but bigger. Maybe. We’ll see.

4. Double hearts

This was my first really bold tattoo. Its not very big but its on my chest so it’s pretty noticeable.

When I was 16 I had a breast reduction surgery. It was a pretty serious and dangerous surgery. I had to sign all those hospital forms pretty much saying hey! if you die its not our fault. It was really scary at 16 to have to go through that. What was even scarier was when I woke up and the attending nurse told me I was so lucky I had a great doctor because my heart stopped on the table! I immediately cried out for my dad and the rest is history.

This tattoo, to me, represents second chances and living my life to the fullest.

5. “Llorando de alegria y no de meido”

I was 19 when my grandfather passed away in hospice. I was there watching him take his last breaths. He was in this specialty hospice home that was decorated to look more like a home than a hospital. That meant in his room he had his own shower and toilet and no roommate. It was not in a hospital at all. He had a pull out couch so we could sleep there with him. He had table and chairs and big windows with a view of all the snow that was coming down at the time. And he had a TV and sound system. At first we didn’t really know how to interact or what to do but eventually we started looking through the room trying to find some music to play. My grandfather loved music! He was the life of any party.

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This place had a bunch of soothing sounds for the soul and waves of the ocean type CD’s and because we were literally stuck in a blizzard we couldn’t go out and get some real music. (This was before the time of Bluetooth music and cords and things. It wasn’t so easy to share music like it is today.) Someone opened the CD player to see if anything was inside. I think it was my father but I can’t really remember. And you would’ve never guessed it but there was a Spanish CD in the player! Not just any CD either. It was Jose Jose!! My grandfathers favorite singer! We all thought this was God’s last gift to my grandfather before he passed. So we played that CD over and over again. One song in particular really stood out. Lo Dudo. It’s a very very sad song about a man losing the woman he loves and about how what once was is no longer. And this line stuck out to me – “llorando de alegria y no de meido” – Crying of happiness and not of fear.

This was the last song I ever got to listen to with my grandfather. So I hold that very close to my heart. I left that hospice crying of happiness for all the love I was lucky enough to share with him and not of fear for a world without his light. I got this tattoo a couple months later up my elbow on my left arm. A reminder that he is always holding my hand and guiding me.

6. I love you O.K

The same day I got the tattoo for my grandfather I also got one for my grandmother. My grandfather was my mothers father. My mothers mother passed when I was in first grade so I have only a few memories of her. This tattoo was for my father’s mother. My Abuela Nina.

Growing up my grandmother’s took care of me, so for a while I didn’t speak any English. Then I went to school and stopped speaking Spanish all the time. Well, my Abuela Nina doesn’t speak English at all. She understands some things and will repeat words sometimes but for the most part she speaks Spanish only. (She called my Husband Mall for awhile before understanding his name is Matt.)

My grandmother also has pretty bad handwriting so it was already hard to read her birthday cards. Now add in that the cards are in Spanish and when we were younger me and my cousins could speak it but we couldn’t read it. So, she learned how to write I Love You O.K. at the bottom of each card so if we couldn’t understand all of it we could understand that part.

7.  Amen

These next three I got on the same day and are my most spontaneous tattoos ever. Let me set the scene:

23 year old Reena, working in the city, spending her nights competing for a spot on the Jersey City Slam team to make it to The National Poetry Slam being held in California that year. I had been doing so well at work I won a wheel spin – a free trip to Florida. (Pretty much they nominate 7 people each quarter and pick out two names out of the 7. If your name was picked you got to spin this big wheel of prizes. The prizes were everything from cash or Broadway tickets to two tickets to some where in the world.) One of my oldest friends had just gotten engaged and he lives in Florida so a couple of us decided to take a trip to Miami and meet up for a long weekend and just have some fun.

The night before my 5 am flight I was at Jersey City slam trying out a new piece. The piece, called “Dear God“, won me my very first slam that night. I don’t think I slept at all before going to the airport I was so excited.

Since my then boyfriend didn’t want to go with me I was able to get a room in a hotel right on Miami beach by myself. My friends all stayed at different hotels depending on what they could afford and what not. So the first night we went so hard. Staying up late and drinking and just having an overall good time. I left them while they were still in party mode but like I said I barely slept so I was exhuasted. So the next morning I woke up way before everyone else. I had breakfast on the beach and did some writing. It was very peaceful. I found myself walking around and I saw a tattoo shop. I did a quick Google search and found out the place was actually really really good.

Originally I had wanted to get the words “Lord hear my prayer” on four of my fingers but after talking to the tattoo artist it just wasn’t worth it because it would probably fade quickly. So I settled on a line I say over and over in “Dear God” – Amen. It is what we say at the end of every prayer and it means “I believe that it is so.” I got it on my right hand to remind me that as long as I believe in Him, God will always reward me.

At the same time I got the letter B and a cross on my middle finger on my right hand. My family and my faith are always the center of everything I do right.

8. B

For my maiden name. My family name.

9. Cross

For my faith.

10. King Leo

My latest tattoo has been four years in the making. Up until now I’ve only had words on my body (not counting my heart). I wanted a specific looking lion and specific looking roses. I reserved the right to be very picky. So when my husband gifted me a tattoo for my recent birthday in March I was prepared.

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This tattoo is for my father. My rock. My king. My Leo. (He actually is a Leo, he was born in August.) Ever since I can remember my father has been rocking the lion and claiming it for himself. I see a lion and I automatically see my father. Following my tattoo’s for people I love theme I’ve got going I knew I wanted this one. Its my largest tattoo to date on my right forearm. The roses represent my great grandmother Rosa (means rose in Spanish). She’s, I think, 96 now and lives in the Bronx still regulating all the men in the family.

So I have a King Leo on a bed of roses. My father’s dynasty.

My opinions on tattoos pretty much have stayed the same over the years. To each their own. I haven’t had any trouble finding jobs because of my tattoos or being judged by them. I think the most I get are some stupid comments if people don’t know the meaning behind them or I just get asked who I went to for them. I also get grabbed a lot by random people who want to see my tattoos. There is like this my horse is bigger than your horse thing that happens when other people with tattoos try to compare tattoos. Like if my work is less than theirs if I didn’t use their artist. I don’t fall for that. I love all my pieces. Can’t nobody tell me nothing! HAHA!

What are your opinions on tattoos?

– Besos! xoxo

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My Miscarriage

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Whew! This is gonna be that post. Settle in because this is a tough one for me.

Today in my due date. Unfortunately for you, me, and what would have been a perfectly curated baby Instagram I am not pregnant.

On Saturday October 29th, I was a couple of days late. I didn’t think I was pregnant at all. I was on this cleanse style diet and I figured it was messing with me. Matt on the other hand was 100% sure I was pregnant. So while I was at Rite-Aid picking up candy for Halloween (our first in our house and the first time we would be getting trick or treaters) I picked up a couple of test. Guys, I took all three tests in the box to make sure. I remember the test showed the plus sign instantly. I know the box says wait 3 minutes but it was very very clear like 30 seconds in. Now I’m in the bathroom freaking out and crying and feeling so happy and scared at the same time. I called Matt in and told him to look and then he comes out all “Is this real? Does that mean you’re pregnant?” And I’m all like “I think so.” We were crying and hugging and Matt turned to me and said “I’m so happy right now.” And it was true. I wish I could bottle up that moment and take a shot of it on tough days because in that moment nothing could hurt us.

We immediately did a couple of things.

  1. Made an appointment to see a OBGYN. I didn’t even have one in Long Island yet so it was harder than usual but luckily we found one and made an appointment for Monday.
  2. Made myself a pizza. Diet be damned.
  3. Agreed to hold off telling anyone until after we saw the doctor.

That night we were celebrating my brother’s birthday at a bar in New York so I guess the paranoia hit me like I hope no one notices I’m not drinking. It ended up working fine though. I ordered a ginger ale and if anyone asked I told them there was whiskey in it. At one point I left to get some food because the place we were at didn’t have any vegan options but it just so happened to be right next door to a vegan restaurant. My mom came with me so she didn’t have to sit in the bar the whole time. When we came back Matt thought I had told her because he said he would have. So we decided to pull her aside and let her know what was going on so at least we had someone to talk to about it and ask questions and stuff. She was so happy! Here we were standing in the rain outside a bar just being all happy and shit about this baby. It was incredible.

That Monday we went to the appointment and the doctor confirmed we were in fact pregnant. She did an ultrasound and told us we were about 4 weeks along and our due date was July 2. We went through what to expect going forward and made an appointment for a week later. We ended up really hitting gold with this doctor too, she is young and sweet and really put us at ease. She started telling me all these thing that I can’t eat like raw fish and processed meats and I’m just like LOL I’m vegan. She told me to just be careful and make sure I wash all my veggies thoroughly. Since I had already been taking prenatal’s for a couple of months I was already on a good track and diet so she just prescribed me better prenatals. We left feeling on top of the world.

We went to TJ Max after that and bought our first baby thing to celebrate. A pair of baby Timbs. Very New York. Very Bronx. It was perfect. We called Matt’s step dad and let him know the good news. I wanted to tell my dad that day too but we decided to wait because we were worried he would tell my grandmother. And once my grandmother knows everyone knows. We also decided we would wait until the 3 month mark to tell everyone else. But that day we went home and took pictures for the announcement. Matt even insisted on taking picture of my belly! He wanted to do those monthly updated pictures that you put all together and see the progress of being pregnant. We told my father and my siblings the next weekend and swore them to secrecy.

I had downloaded this app that told you what changes to expect each week with pregnancy and compared the size of the baby to the size of some type of food. At this point the baby was the size of a peppercorn. We spent all week saying good morning to our little peppercorn and “good night little pepper corn!” Until the next week when the peppercorn grew to the size of a blueberry. They it was all “how’s my baby blueberry doing today?”

Our doctors appointment came up and we excitedly go in ready to see our baby. See what differences we could spot in this weeks ultrasound. When you go in for these things, your doctor is not in the room. There is an ultrasound tech who takes the pictures and measurements and all of that and then your doctor tell you everything you need to know and answers any of your questions. The first time we had gone in this woman was chatting us up the whole time and congratulating us and stuff. This time she was silent. The whole room felt stale. I was panicking from the moment she started looking into me. Matt asks her if everything is okay and she says the doctor will be in to speak to us. The doctor comes in and moves the images around a bit and try a couple of different things but you could tell that overall things were not going good.

She explained to us that there was something concerning her in the ultrasound. Something she believes would make the pregnancy unviable. Normal pregnancies have an oval sac that houses the baby. I had that but my oval sac had a sort of lump growing in it. Like extra tissue or something that wasn’t supposed to be there. We asked if it could go away on its own and we could still carry the baby to term. Our doctor told us yes that could possibly happen but in all the cases she has treated that has never been the case and the baby has never been carried to term. I remember feeling my whole body go numb. Like I was hearing everything from underwater. We set up an appointment for a week later to do another ultrasound and go from there and Matt and I went home.I cried so hard and so long that day. I even told Matt I wasnt strong enough to deal with this if we lost this baby. I can’t not be pregnant.

That week was the most excruciating week of my life. Matt and I spent the whole time googling everything and anything we could find on this type of situation. Holding on to stories where this one person saw this and the baby survived and look! They’re now 15 and on the basketball team. Or the doctor made a mistake and they went back for a second ultrasound and everything was fine and there was a heartbeat and they lived happily ever after. The worst part of all of this was my pregnancy symptoms were ramping up. Smells were becoming unbearable and I was nauseous all the time. I was also having a very stressful time at work picking up a pretty difficult client. A lot was going on.

We went back the next week, November 16th. The minute the picture came up on the screen I knew that I was not going to have a baby. What was once a lump was now just a bunch of lumps filling that space. A mass of tissue where my baby was supposed to be. They couldn’t find anything that would give us hope that a baby was in there. My doctor came in and looked, another doctor came in and gave his opinion as well. But it was unanimous. I was having a miscarriage and would not be having a baby. I was just beginning my 7th week of pregnancy at this point. My poor little blueberry.

It was decided that I would undergo a D&C, a surgery where they remove the unviable pregnancy and then test the remains for any type of issues in the parents genes. We left with the surgery scheduled for Monday. Matt and I were completely broken.

What’s worse was this was probably the busiest couple of days for us. We were leaving the next day to drive to Boston for a friend’s wedding on Saturday and then Wednesday we were going to Miami for Thanksgiving and then onto Orlando afterwards. To put a surgery in between that just raised all types of stress levels.

The next day, Friday, we’re getting ready nice and early to make the drive to Boston. Our friends wedding was not in Boston but in a suburb about an hour away so a bunch of us decided to go to Boston on friday and do a bit of sight seeing and eating and then go to the wedding the next day. As I was coming out of the shower I get a call. The hospital that is performing my surgery would like me to come in that day at 3pm to run pre-surgery test. They said it would take about an hour to an hour and a half. I was a mess. I called them back and said I can’t be there at 3pm because I had to be in Boston by then. I don’t know if it was because I was literally crying on the phone to the woman or because she knew why I was having surgery. She somehow managed it so that I could get the testing done at around 10 am instead but I would have to hurry and get there as soon as possible to fill out paperwork. I remember falling apart and this point. Thinking everything is going to shit and I have no control and the last thing I wanted to do was be asked a shit ton of questions about my pregnancy.

We did the testing and I had to explain to three different nurses the same thing about my pregnancy and how far along I was and blah blah blah. They took my weight and height and blood. And right before we’re about to leave they asked us if we had any questions and Matt asked if I could drink. For some reason I wasn’t allowed to have herbal tea but they said I could have alcohol as long as I didn’t get dehydrated. Well okay then. We finally left for Boston super late and ended up only really having time for dinner. We didn’t get to do any sightseeing. Also, Matt had to tell his friends why we were going to be late, so knowing that everyone else knew made me feel weird. Like people were waiting for me to explode or something. But my body hadn’t gotten the instructions that I wasn’t supposed to be pregnant anymore so I was still super nauseous and super tired.

At the wedding I got drunk. At one point everyone at my table was passing their champagne flutes to me and I was putting them down one at a time. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t really feel like celebrating but it was the only way I could think of putting a smile on my face. Matt and I took a picture together that night and I hate it so much. I feel like I can see my body giving up on itself. I remember getting ready that night and feeling like nothing was going right. My hair was wrong. My make up was wrong. I didn’t like my dress. I was over it. I’m thankful though that Matt didn’t try to stop me or get very upset with me. He was mourning too and we both didn’t know what to do.

That Monday I went into the hospital at 5 am, checked in and was prepped for surgery. In the bed next to me was maybe the cutest baby I’ve ever seen with his mother, father, and sister. Across from me was a boy, maybe 8 years old. The rest of the room was older people getting prepped as well. Luckily I had both doctors present that day so I really felt I was in good hands. They gave me the anesthetics and my doctor asked me where I wanted to travel to. I told her I really wanted to go to Italy and she agreed. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up again. The nurse came over and told me to take it easy and that she’ll let me rest for a bit before moving me off the bed. Before I was allowed to go home. I immediately asked for my husband and she told me he’ll be in in a minute once I’m a little more rested. At that moment I lost it so bad. I started crying and I felt that shit in my soul. I even made the nurse cry. And she hugged me and told me that she had a daughter my age and that I’m strong. I didn’t feel strong at all. When Matt came in I told him how sorry I was and I meant it.

When we left the hospital Matt stopped off to get me a tea and I spent the rest of the day resting in bed while he worked in the other room. Although physically i wasn’t in so much pain after a while, mentally I was a disaster. I had made the mistake of declining pain meds and a couple days later everything started to hurt. I took off that Tuesday from work and on Wednesday we flew to Florida. The recovery was pretty rough. I was physically tired and drained most of the time, I was bleeding for a little over a week on and off and I still had the nausea. I still felt very pregnant for a couple of weeks after, which made it pretty hard on me. At one point we were on line to get tickets for Universal and I had just used the restroom but I felt myself leaking. Any woman who has ever gotten their period will understand what that means. I reached down and realized that I was bleeding through my pants. I had to go back to the bathroom and I was trying not to make it obvious but my husbands step fathers girlfriend decided to come with me to the bathroom. It was not a good time.

A couple of weeks later my doctor called to let me know that there was nothing genetically wrong with me or my husband. I had what they called a hydropic abortus. I still don’t really understand it so much but its similar to a molar pregnancy where the cells develop too quickly and overtake the embryo. My doctor doesn’t think this should affect our ability to get pregnant in the future.

We haven’t stopped trying or praying for a baby one day but it’s a blow every month when we find out we’re not pregnant. There was one month where we were so positive we were pregnant. The starts were aligning, we were getting signs from God, I was late. Everything added up. But 8 pregnancy tests later, and one phone call with the doctor and I wasn’t pregnant.

I’ve gotten to a point where I am hopeful but I’m done trying as well. My husband on the other hand can tell when I’m ovulating by looking at me at this point. He tells me I have to change my mindset and be more positive.

Remember back in high school when they would tell us to never let ourselves get pregnant and to be careful and take all these precautions? And now I would kill for it.

I’m not sure how to end this post but if you are suffering, or if you’re sad, I’m sorry. I hope you find peace and happiness soon. I hope we both get that happy ending we are praying for.

-Besos xoxo

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